What makes you not want to have kids?

  1. I work fulltime in a crèche. There's no way I'm spending 9-6 with children and then coming home to more children. Nope.

  2. I couldn't imagine. My mom was a kindergarten teacher when we were all teenagers. She absolutely loved her students and loved her job, but she often would say there was no way she could have done her job when we were all around that age.

  3. Having a kid now In this economy (US) and the backward sliding we're doing. I rather not bring a child into this chaos. Rising housing costs to the point rent is more than mortgages and on top of that we've got rampant global warming and wars after wars. I love them enough to not bring them into this world to deal with the fallout of our issues and our own stupidity. Not being born is the gift I'll give them.

  4. I once got two friends together. Both were troubled but young so I figured it could be a nice throwaway relationship they could learn something from. He put zero effort into romance or showing that he had any interest in her... really lead me to believe that he's mildly autistic. Her method for getting rid of relationships was cheating on guys and having them dump her.

  5. After rent, food, and insurance I only come away with 200$ a month profit. Which is usually eaten up by a single doctor visit or necessary car part. And I live with two room mates.

  6. 100%. The whole process is just crazy and then after all that trauma you aren't allowed to sleep for months.

  7. Yeah. Nature vs nurture: as the parent of 2 kids and sibling of 6, it's clear to me personalities are simply a dice roll.

  8. I have 5 siblings all raised in exactly same environment. 3 of are HS dropouts who are always having a crisis/meltdown & addicted to drugs or etoh while the other 3 have post baccs, are in serious relationships or married & have mortgages. I know my mom loves all of us the same but that's a hell no for kids for me. Too much of a risk.

  9. Or when they literally do become killers. In the past year I’ve heard at least two stories of ~14 year old boys violently murdering little girls, and I’m sure the parents didn’t envision that for the kid when they were babies. Another fear is my kid being on the victim end of that scenario.

  10. It's irreversible, you can't unhave kids when you've committed to it, so when you have all those doubts and fears you might not be a good parent, it's hard to take the plunge.

  11. My spouse wanted to have kids like 15 years ago. We were both living paycheck to paycheck. I told her we needed to be in a better financial position, have disposable income, be able to afford all the things associated with kids, like daycare which is about $3k/mo for 2 kids.

  12. I come from a family or 7 and the sheer randomness of how we turned out convinced me that there's only so much you can do as a parent that drives how your child turns out.

  13. The fact that nothing really makes me WANT to have them. I feel like you should have an overwhelming desire to become a parent - I don’t, so why would I have a kid?

  14. Right? If anything needs to be tied to a strong desire it's becoming a parent / bringing another human into the world. Like, it shouldn't be something that you do because "that's just how it is."

  15. Exactly. This question should absolutely be the other way around. People who have kids are the ones who need a reason to make that decision, since it's a huge one that brings along great responsible, not people like me who don't... I mean, why don't I want to be a doctor? Why don't I want to shave my head? It doesn't make a lot of sense to ask it this way.

  16. yup I agree with this, when my wife and I discuss the topic of having another baby, I realize that she is always referring to just the baby phase, the conversation will always end when I start mentioning other phases, like the terrible 2

  17. I totally second this, it's definitely a part of why I won't have children. Also I'm not up to making all those sacrifices, changing my lifestyle and just imagining being pregnant makes me shiver in a bad way

  18. And that’s why we should normalize making life choices based on how we feel about ourselves and not on following the fucking formula.

  19. I really, really don't want to be a parent and I feel like that should at the very least be a prerequisite to having them. My grandmother didn't seem to enjoy parenthood, my mom certainly didn't. They did it because they were "supposed to". I'm breaking the cycle.

  20. This is a conversation I have more and more frequently with my mother. When the conversation comes up I say, "you made it look soooooooo much fun." /s/

  21. This should really be discussed in schools. Having children isn’t for everyone and it’s okay not to have them. Whatever that means for the population, society would be so much better without fucked up people raised by parents who shouldn’t have been parents.

  22. I've been dealing with a mentally disabled older brother for nearly all my life. He's 32 yrs old, but acts like a 7 yr old nearly ALL the time. I love him to death, but after so long of dealing with him growing up (I'm 22), I just do not have the patience to handle something like that again.

  23. This is my big one. I feel terrible for this, but the fear of having a child that isn’t going to grow into a fully independent person with no limitations stopped me dead. If there was a guarantee they would be of average mental capability, I might reconsider.

  24. 100% get it. I had a situation kind of like that, just not quite to your extreme. Basically had to parent my own dad after my mother died because he was so depressed. Ended up taking care of him until he died when I was 26. I never want to be in a position where I have to take care of another human being.

  25. My neighbor has 7 of them. The only form of communication in that house is screaming. The teenage boy just screamed in the middle of my typing this. Kid is absolute shite at whatever game he's trying to play. My work meetings are constantly interrupted by his whiny cursing/crying sessions.

  26. Yeah I live in a one bedroom apartment and my neighbors upstairs (Also a one bedroom apartment) have a new baby, a toddler, a teenage boy who is loud and angry, and a third school aged child.

  27. This is 90% of it for me. I’ve always been terrified of pregnancy, but I thought I’d feel more comfortable with it as I got older.

  28. THIS. Can't believe I had to scroll so far to find this one. I have an uterus and the entire process of pregnancy, from insemination to the eventual end point, is skin-peelingly unacceptable to me, who will theoretically be occupying the same body throughout

  29. Legit, pregnancy and childbirth are the closest I can imagine to real life body horror. Just the thought of something growing inside of me, morphing my body beyond my control and then violently tearing its way out is something that very much lives in my worst nightmares. I have nothing but respect for women who choose to put themselves through that but it’s gonna be a hard pass for me.

  30. I have two kids and pregnancy is a nightmare. More people need to understand how awful pregnancy can be, especially in these bullshit times. My last pregnancy earlier this year I was hospitalized for a month completely unexpectedly and couldn’t see my toddler (except 2 half hour visits) or go outside (except one of the visits). For a whole month! I also had gestational diabetes so I had to eat a low carb diet while eating hospital food and under a lot of stress. And this was only manageable from my privileged positioning having a job willing to work with me and having a husband who could manage our toddler plus his job with some amount of daycare. Btw the hospital bills are still coming in for that and are over a quarter million for that part.

  31. I find myself trying to justify my decision and having people trying to contradict everything I say. But at the end of the day, I've come to realize that the only reason that I really need is "I just don't want to." Deeply, in the very core of my being, I profoundly and powerfully do NOT want to have a child. At fucking all.

  32. This needs to be higher up to be honest. Why does there need to be big reasons. Why is "because I don't want to" not as acceptable an answer to some?

  33. Well the total lack of wishing to have a child. Zero desire. Just like I have no desire to have a pet rhino or become a lawyer.

  34. Same. Especially being a woman I guess I thought that urge would get stronger (or show up at all) as I got older. Biological clock and all. I got nothing. Nada. Getting sterilized was the best decision I ever made.

  35. I also have zero desire. I’ve never wanted kids. Seeing babies doesn’t make me want any. I think the only time I ever “wanted” kids was when I thought that’s what you did: you grow up, get married, have kids. Then I learned you don’t actually have to do that and there’s people out there that don’t want kids too. So I never really wanted them, I just thought it was something you had to do.

  36. I’m a woman and I’ll be 40 next year, so too late for my anyway, really. But I never had the desire either. Except for a brief 30 seconds while watching some cutsie Disney movie with my husband. I blurted, “Aww, we should have a baby.” Then I realized (luckily) he’d fallen asleep. I think I was drunk (when I’m drunk I tend to say whatever pops in my mind) but literally not a minute had passed before I thought, “No, that would be dumb.”

  37. Holy fuck yes. You should actually want to have kids before having them. And I don't want them. I do think it's funny that my body is desperately trying to convince me to have kids by freaking me out with pregnancy dreams. The last one was especially intense, but when I woke up and realized it was all a horrible dream I just felt intense relief.

  38. Sames. I think the primary reason to have children is because a person desires to. A person should want that kind of bond/love and have the capacity to provide it. If you don't have that, why have a child at all?

  39. That's exactly it for me, too. When I sit back and think of the things I want, kids never come up. It's not a hatred for kids, or the inability to take care of them. I just don't want them. It's really a simple as that.

  40. I feel this. Idk if you're familiar with the band The Wonder Years but they have a song called Passing Through a Screen Door which hits this point right on the head, even saying almost exactly this to end the second verse.

  41. I’ve been clinically depressed for almost a decade. Post partum depression is one of the things that terrifies me about the prospect of having kids. Also I am in no way mentally stable enough to be a parent.

  42. I feel this in my soul. Everything about pregnancy, childbirth, and post partum life just sounds terrifying.

  43. I have severe depression and anxiety and my OCD has been so bad before that I had to be partially hospitalized. I also have PMDD and I see the havoc my hormones wreak on my mental health every single month. Between those two things, I truly don’t believe that pregnancy and childbirth are for me - and neither is raising a child now that I’ve learned just how fucking hard it is to raise myself. Lmao.

  44. watching my sister's kid get kicked out of daycare for slamming a kids face into a table and hitting a teacher. he's 3, and the most difficult kid ive met.

  45. I have one easy going kid and one very difficult behavioral challenged kid. I mean I am pretty sure he is taking years off my life with stress and worry. I used to think kids were a product of their home life and as long as we were loving and stable, our kids would have no big issues. Well I have learned that that is not always true. And I no longer judge parents as harshly as I used to.

  46. Yeah it's a roll of the dice with personality. My daughter is really sweet and kind, so I told my wife we should only have one kid because I'm sure the next one would be a little psychopath. She agreed that we were pushing our luck, so we only had one kid.

  47. People say "oh but your kid could cure cancer"....nah...more likely you will end up with a kid who's a psycho and you'll have to deal with it and the criminal justice system for the rest of your life.

  48. Money and responsibility are the top two for me. My career and my partners would be able to afford having a child but then we'd most likely not get to travel and such anytime (at least not for a while). Plus I have a crippling PC gaming hobby/addiction and I fear I'd end up spending baby necessity money on a new GPU or something. Maybe that's called selfishness but I'll admit to it at least.

  49. The screaming in the next aisle over at the grocery store because they can't have the they want.

  50. Not trusting myself enough that I'd be motivated enough to take care about them constantly and treat them the way they deserve!

  51. Not everyone is built to be a parent. Being self-aware enough to acknowledge that may not be you is actually pretty responsible, IMO.

  52. I told my sister a few years ago that I don't want kids because I'm too selfish. I like my freedom, my peace and quiet, my life with just me and my husband where money is still sometimes tight but its just us.

  53. I agree! 🙂 Btw, my decision is not final. I kind of can see myself being (adoptive) mother someday in future, but I want to make sure that I am truly able to offer everything my kid would need in order for him/her to become fully functioning person.

  54. The vast majority of parents I meet complain subtley about having children and how much of a struggle it is, how expensive it is, how they get no sleep, no free time etc.

  55. I feel exactly the same way. Things are getting better for me and my spouse, but having a baby and needing to take off months of work (we don't have family local to us and daycare is far too expensive) would set us back horribly. Maybe when we're ready we'll look at fostering older kids instead, there are plenty who need loving families if we get to a spot where we can be one.

  56. All the suffering I have and all life in time is enough to convince me to make the choice not to procreate. Adoption maybe if I was rich and successful.

  57. I don't think you're selfish. Just because your family met the state required minimum of care and that they spent a lot of energy doing a good thing doesn't mean you weren't neglected in some ways. There's more than one kind of neglect and it sounds like you and your sister didn't get to be a child, rather you were a 3rd and 4th helper.

  58. I can barely take care of myself sometimes it feels like, can’t possibly take on another human. More selfishly there’s still a lot of things I want to do that I couldn’t if I had a kid. Lastly, just a pessimistic view of the world and the desire to not want to bring new life into that.

  59. I couldn't have written it better. Every time I just have black coffee for breakfast I wonder how in heaven's sake am I supposed to take care of a kid from childbirth up to his/her/their 20's.

  60. One time I was genuinely baffled that there could be a single reason to have kids. So one day I googled it, the first article was like ‘10 reasons to have kids’ and the first one was getting pram priority parking at supermarkets. Really grasping at straws here!!!

  61. I've just never wanted any. I never played with baby dolls as a child, I never thought twice about babysitting as a teen, and I was always uncomfortable whenever people said "when you have kids" (as opposed to "if").

  62. I absolutely hated babysitting. I'm a huge introvert and can't possibly imagine having a child in my house 24/7 and also being responsible for said child. I lose my shit when I don't get alone time from my husband in a while

  63. Our house would be so dangerous to children. We keep candies and painkillers in the same drawer. My crafting area has scissors, hot glue and exacto knives. We store power tools next to the nerf guns. One of our cats will totally scratch strangers who corner her or try to pick her up.

  64. I was briefly married to a pedophile. It made it clear to me that I can't tell who has the potential to be a threat to my child's well being. I've known several women who were victims of CSA. I couldn't bear the thought of my child suffering like they do. It seemed like a better idea to just opt out.

  65. I'm with you. Kids were never a thought in my mind. I tolerate my brother's kids, but I can send them home before they get annoying, and forget babies entirely. They're not cute. They're just poo, vomit, cry machines. No thanks.

  66. It’s taken me 30 years to “find myself.” When I imagine losing all of that identity and replacing it with a big MAMA BEAR sticker, my stomach turns. There are some aspects of having a kid that are appealing: they’ll adore me, they might end up loving all the same music/ movies/ hobbies as me, they’ll love and care for me when I’m old. But none of that is guaranteed and seems selfish and also not worth the gamble.

  67. The loss of identity is a huge fear for me, too — surprised it wasn’t mentioned earlier in the thread. People stop seeing you as a complete person, instead you are just a Mom™️.

  68. Time being the biggest factor here for me. There's barely enough free time during a workday as it is without having to raise a child.

  69. All of it - the money, the time, the mental toll, the world we live in, the overpopulation, the lack of interest in kids, the lack of a partner, the presumable lack of parental skills, my own autism, the autism that my kids would probably inherit...

  70. Yup. Me and wife both aspies. Sure it's a struggle. Sure there's comradery among the aspie community and there is pride in who we are and I'm secure with myself now anyways. But children... I do not wish this struggle upon another. I'm kind of an antinatalist, genetics aside. I wouldn't mind being an Uncle though.

  71. Selfishness. I like the freedom of being able to wake up or go wherever i want without worrying “whos gonna watch my kids” or “my kids are awake so i have to be awake” so i guess I value my personal freedom more then anything a child could provide me

  72. Don’t get me wrong I love my daughter more than anything but man do I fucking miss not having to plan anything. When you have kids you find yourself not only planning their life but also things like all mealtimes, the timings of everything and then because you have such little time left, you end up having to plan your shit as well otherwise nothing gets sorted. It’s pretty fucking draining tbh….

  73. Children are cool and all but they consume your life. They become your main responsibility, take all your love and you give it willingly, require so much money and they're just their own person. It's cool that we're able to do that and it sounds fun, sometimes. But if that's my life for the rest of my life? No thank you.

  74. I’m glad someone said this. It feels like after someone has children they lose some identity. Their whole world is dedicated to maintaining their kids (rightfully so don’t get me wrong) like I see how that CAN be appealing but from an outsider looking in it looks so exhausting… like kids are just one thing after the other. One day your kid needs diapers, the next their drawing on walls, now they need brand new shoes every couple months, now they need new technology etc etc and etc. it’s an unending stream of problems and exhaustion. Like ffs I’m a child whose already stressed I don’t need anything else.

  75. From my own experience, I don’t like the thought of bringing a kid into the world we live in. I’d much sooner adopt a kid who’s in a shifty place or in a struggling area. There are millions of kids starving out there, there are millions of kids being abused out there. Rather save one of them than bring another kid into this retched place

  76. That's all I can think about too. I was adopted. I'm very lucky I was. And my family is amazing. Before I had to be adopted I had a sister who was abused to death. Being born can be so unfair. As pathetic as it sounds.

  77. Every two or three months, I fret over death and eternity for about an hour. So it's not that often that I'm upset about existing. But I never want to subject anybody to even that ounce of suffering that existence brings.

  78. I work for Disney, and what I can say is %50 of parents look miserable. You’re on vacation with your family, and everyone’s miserable the whole time. That worries me. If your kid can’t stop crying in public on vacation, how does that kid react at home?

  79. Too much money to take care of, our society and planet are just getting worse so why would I want to leave someone to have to endure whatever horrors are in store?

  80. This is my EXACT same reasoning. It's just cruel to birth a child into this world while knowing that they'll be the ones to inherit the absolute worst of it. How could someone do that to their own child? That's not love.

  81. BPD. I can admit FULLY, and I’ll probably be downvoted to hell, but I fully believe that if I had a child right now(23F) I might accidentally kill it.

  82. I want to make this very clear, you are a good person. You are not your illness. The fact that you know you aren't a fit parent tells me you are a good person. Keep on keeping on, you're so brave.

  83. This.. I don’t have BPD but I am high functioning Autistic (21f) and I got home from working 12 hours yesterday and my cat wouldn’t stop jumping on me and then kept me up when I needed to sleep. I yelled at him, like actually screamed stop. I’d never lay a finger on him. I love him and take care of him. But I can’t imagine how much worse it would be to have a human child keeping me up or needing my attention, and I would probably yell at them too which sucks because I grew up in a household full of yelling and it’s not what any child deserves.

  84. This is a big reason for me as well. I don't have BPD, but PMDD, and due to past traumas, pretty bad anger issues. No way in hell would I risk emotionally, or even worse, physically abusing a kid because of it. Had my tubes tied 7 years ago and couldn't be more grateful for it.

  85. Like, I have a kid and sometimes I'm like "Jeez, sorry, kid." Like, she's being raised by loving parents in a middle-class home in a relatively peaceful country and we want her so that's all good but shit's still burning down every summer and women are under attack and WW3 is brewing and the economy seems chaotically prone to collapsing every little while.....so, like, I'm not sure it was cool to do that do her. Like I'm glad she's here but yikes. If literally anyone is like "I don't want to have kids" there's not an ounce of me that thinks "Oh, you'll change your mind, tee-hee" or other shit like that. Don't want them? Can't afford them? Don't have them.

  86. This is exactly my situation. I love my son to bits, and he’s great, but I feel so bad for all he’ll go through just because I was a dumb teen.

  87. You know what I don’t understand? Parents who have kids really young and try to justify it by saying “It’s ok, I’ll be able to enjoy things when they move out while I’m still young!” You know what’s better than waiting until you’re in your 40s to enjoy your ‘youth’? Enjoying your actual youth when you’re in your 20s.

  88. You know when you are out in public, and you see parents of children and immediately think, "Those people should have never had kids."?

  89. I like having the freedom: To go when/where I want to go Do what I want to do without worrying about taking care of something (I also don’t have pets) Pursue my own happiness however small or large. Saves money I find most kids annoying.

  90. this plays the largest part of it for me. i'm worried about my family and siblings surviving in the worsening climate (both real and political) now- i can't imagine bringing new life into a world when i don't know what they're going to have to live through.

  91. What sucks is all the people coming up with decent reasons probably have more self reflection and better emotional health than a lot of dumbfucks who keep pumping out kids because they don't consider anything.

  92. thought climate change would be the most obvious answer. people who are young now are gonna suffer, but kids being born now are going to face hell.

  93. Yeah, I can’t believe I had to scroll so far down to find this. If we had a general agreement to work on climate change I could see being optimistic, but the fact that (in the US) it’s impossible to get the agreement to do the smallest collective thing about global warming tells me humans are doomed to suffer.

  94. I think most people understand this on a logical level but are simply incapable of really accepting it. It's a deep seated denial. Then if you do have kids that denial becomes a necessity.

  95. Scrolled way too far to see this. I know it's peoples' right to have kids, but I always wonder what their level of forethought is. Im terrified to leave behind kids in a world where they might suffer, like it keeps me up at night sometimes. I dont think I could have a kid now and feel good about it. I would dread their potentially bad future.

  96. I thought it would be the top answer. I had to scroll way down to find this. I have a child and feel so guilty and sad about what they are going to suffer. It’s on my mind all the time.

  97. It is the most obvious answer, but the fact that it isn't the most-upvoted answer is why it's the most obvious answer. Despite it objectively being the most important issue humanity has ever faced, routinely people do not care nearly enough about it. And the lack of care is why it will continue to happen, and why it will continue to be a good reason not to have kids.

  98. The time, the expense. I don’t like kids much. It just never felt like a good match for me and it wouldn’t be fair to have kids knowing how I feel about it.

  99. The economy. I grew up in a huge family so I've always been around children and love spending time with them but it's gotten so expensive to have one that I worry my income will never be where it should be to give a child a good life without stressing me or my wife out 24/7

  100. I recognize the irony here… but they’re selfish… and ungrateful. Kids rarely show gratitude for anything you do for them, they don’t like to share, they’re wildly disrespectful, and I don’t have the tool set to correct those things before they become free actors in society.

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