ADHD husband difficulty, while I'm neurotypical

  1. My ex does not have ADHD and did act like this, especially after he found out i was pregnant and "stuck with him". OP's husband is using it as an excuse

  2. This. ADHD doesn't make someone lazy or unable to help around the house. I know many people with ADHD who are extremely productive and great parents. My husband has ASD, his brother has ADHD and they are both amazing parents.

  3. My husband also has ADHD, and used to act like this (while being medicated) ... After a while he was also diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder. He's now on medication for that and he is sooo much better. Less irritable, angry, irresponsible, and depressed.

  4. I have ADHD and am the primary carer for my daughter. Are certain things harder for me to do/remember? Sure! My mothering fails include forgetting to remove my daughter from the buggy before beginning to collapse it and almost putting a bib on myself instead of her. However, I have NEVER ignored her when she needed me or put my own needs before hers. This guy is an asshole and the ADHD is not the reason.

  5. Yes. Me and my husband have undiagnozed/unmedicated ADHD and we have 3 kids and a dog. (We know we have it but, not the money to get diagnozed). Somethings go south in the cleaning but we work together to keep the house on track. Her husband is just and AH and using his ADHD as an excuse.

  6. Yes. Me and my husband have undiagnozed/unmedicated ADHD and we have 3 kids and a dog. (We know we have it but, not the money to get diagnozed). Somethings go south in the cleaning but we work together to keep the house on track. Her husband is just and AH and using his ADHD as an excuse.

  7. I mean, I’m an asshole WITH adhd and I’m a more useful and attentive partner than OP’s. There’s something else going on here.

  8. This is such a great way to put it. ADH isn’t an excuse for bad behavior, and not being responsible is bad behavior (one of many that OP’s husband does).

  9. Hey so, some of this might be ADHD. I think the bigger problem here is that you have someone who is harmful to you and your child and just doesn't seem to see a problem with it. You can call it ADHD, but it comes across as abusive.

  10. My husband also has ADHD and has never once behaved this way. Your husband is using ADHD as an excuse to get away with abusing you.

  11. I have ADHD and so does my husband. ADHD isn’t an excuse to be an asshole to your spouse or ignore your kid. He needs to grow the fuck up and sort out his priorities — therapy (DBT might offer some skills training he could find useful to actually acting like an adult) and medication should both be considered seriously.

  12. My husband has ADHD. He chooses not to do things that are boring like taxes or budgeting, but he is very much aware of it and does his best to be different. Sounds like your husband is using ADHD has an excuse for being a bad partner

  13. I have ADHD and let me tell you something - mothers with ADHD don’t get to check out of the childcare or household duties. Somehow we find a way to function.

  14. This sounds a lot more like bipolar disorder than adhd to me. My late husband had bipolar, my current partner has adhd so I know them both. Either way, the behavior is abusive and he needs to get help or you get you and child out.

  15. I have ADHD and I’m a father in my 30s. I hyper fixate, I have trouble refocusing on things my mind isn’t interested in. I got up every night, every time, for both of my kids for each of their first year of life. I’m not a fantastic person in real life. Your husband is a spoiled asshole.

  16. This doesn’t sound like ADHD. It sounds like you’re being endlessly taken advantage of by someone with untreated mental issues and no life skills who has no interest in helping out. Your therapist has picked up on it, too.

  17. I’m sorry you are going through that. He sounds abusive. I would give him an ultimatum to get help and get on medication or you and your baby leave. It’s not going to get better and you need to protect your baby.

  18. My husband has ADHD while I am neurotypical. We were friends for 11 years before we started dating and he was diagnosed after we married. Not once did I suspect him to have ADHD prior to that diagnosis. The first few months of marriage were SO hard. It's one thing to date someone and enjoy the spontaneity of weekends together, and a whole other thing to live with them and experience the unpredictability first hand.

  19. My unmediated ADHD daughter doesn’t act like that. Sorry but sounds he’s using his diagnosis as a shield to act whatever way he is want to

  20. ADHD is not an excuse or reason to treat you and your baby like shit. I dated a guy with ADHD who refused to get it under control and it was an absolute nightmare. I had to pay $4k to get out of the relationship and it was worth every penny. His behavior just got worse over time, especially after I started setting hard boundaries

  21. None of this is because of adhd. If he has led you to believe it is you’re just being gaslit. My husband has sever adhd and is a wonderful father.

  22. To be jonest nothing what you describe is ADHD its judt an a-hole. While adhd can make emotional regulation difficult, its not an excuse to just not try and be a beneficial member of a family unit. Hes gotta take responsibility of his part of things and you'll have to hold him to it. Im saying this as the ADHD member of my family with one 2yr old and one on the way

  23. Dude. No. My husband has ADHD. I have autism(and likely ADHD but haven't looked into it yet). My kids have ADHD/Autism. I would not accept this terrible behavior from ANY OF THEM. Even the kids! Your husband has convinced you this bullshit is related to ADHD but honestly, he's just a shit person.

  24. My spouse has ADHD. He's an amazing father. Your husband's a lazy entitled a$$. ADHD isn't an excuse for poor parenting. My husband leaves cabinet doors open and forgets to push in chairs. He tends to be disorganized and has trouble finishing household projects, but he has never missed a beat when it comes to our kids.

  25. Hello, I feel you! A lof of things you are describing are something I currently also deal with. Altough I am also ADD + asperger, I’m the mother after all and after my initial postpartum depression and anxiety breakdown, I learned to be responsible. It maybe hurts even more because I have a level of understanding for my husband but I also see he doesn’t care as much about us as sleeping, procrastinating etc. It’s about priorities. I know how you feel but I’m sorry to not give you any advice. We are arguing quite often lately because I really am exhausted and my partner doesn’t understand my needs - he even told me he is not able to take our son outside to play etc, because he doesn’t speak yet and it gives him anxiety.

  26. I have ADHD, and I was unmedicated for a long time while my babies were little because I was concerned about med transference into the breast milk (moms with ADHD, talk to your doctor; my choice was not medical advice, and it's been a while, so understanding may have changed).

  27. I have a question for the ADHD community on here, my now exe husband has been diagnosed with ADHD and he is absolutely, for lack of a better term, a slob. His apartment is always in shambles and not talking misplaced things. I’m talking uses q-tips and never throws them away type of messy. I am also not trying to bash anyone, but is this a commonality?

  28. My husband was diagnosed at the age of 5. For the first 9 years of marriage was unmedicated, and the last 3 medicated while trying to find the correct dose/ brand combination. At no point in 11 years of having children did my husband ever treat me the way yours does you. Does he sleep hard sometimes? absolutely. Did he wake up with me almost every time either of our kids cried and I needed to breast feed? yes.

  29. It’s honestly pretty offensive how your husband blames all of his selfish, lazy and irresponsible behaviour on ADHD! Lots of people have the same condition and don’t act this way!

  30. Yeah I have ADHD and was wondering what this has to do with ADHD. Sounds like you and your husband are blaming his asshole behaviors on ADHD which does not automatically make you an asshole if you have it

  31. I’ve had ADHD and ASD my whole life and while I have my quirks, being a shitty partners and blaming it on my disorders isn’t one of them. Your partner sounds more like a narcissist. He’s certainly immature. Stop enabling him or excusing him.

  32. ADHD is getting dinner done late. ADHD is trying to get to a party on time but having to run back inside to feed the dogs, then running back in because you forgot the card, then having to stop for gas because you forgot you ran it out the night before, by the time you get to the party you're an hour late. ADHD is zoning out while someone is speaking and having to ask them to repeat themselves. ADHD is being restless and distracted, (ex: rushing to pay the bills late) ADHD is missing the exit to pick your kid up from practice and having to turn around. ADHD is interrupting people in a conversation.

  33. I relate. So much. It’s been a huge strain on our relationship, especially during these first few years. I remind myself that my happiness isn’t dependent on him and it’s helped me work on myself. If we are being completely honest though, it makes me realize I should have left a long time ago. It’s harder now with kids.

  34. Lmao no. If your disorder makes you not a functional person you don’t get the nice treatment. Leave the waste of space and do less work by yourself.

  35. I can kind of relate to you in that I'm a husband with ADHD and I have a natural inclination to do some of these things your husband does. A major issue here is that it sounds like he is using his ADHD as an excuse for his behavior rather than identifying and addressing it. I hate the way I get when I'm in a rut and I work with my wife to develop strategies to deal with my ADHD. One major aspect of ADHD is that we tend to ignore things until they're an emergency. If you appease him and allow him to convince you these are not issues he will keep putting off dealing with them. We need real, enforced ultimatums. The highest yield in my opinion is going to be getting him to see a psychiatrist and therapist, but I'd strongly caution against taking him to one that agrees that he is being childish. You need one who understands that he has a problem and needs a professional to help the two of you get through it.

  36. I have Many family members who have ADHD. I have ADD. Speaking plainly, ADHD is NOT causing what he’s doing. ADHD is someone not being able to sit still, or putting things in wrong spots, maybe a few unfinished projects, etc. and totally accepting that it’s possible they did that. And that’s coming from people that are unmedicated. I’m sorry OP but what you’re going through is not due to ADHD.

  37. Dude, I had unmediated ADHD for the first few years of my kids lives but I did everything I could to pull my weight. Of course, I didn’t know I had it so I wasn’t able to use it as a convenient excuse to do nothing lol. Anyways my point is that, while it’s true that we are lacking in the executive functioning, planning and organization departments, which does certainly make us a bit of a challenge to work with sometimes, ADHD is not a catch-all excuse to be lazy, gamble or use recreational drugs. You need to tell that guy to shape the fuck up before you realize you’re better off without him. No amount of medication will ever fix his ‘being an asshole’ disorder.

  38. I'm a psychologist and I often evaluate people for ADHD. A lot of what you're describing is not consistent with ADHD symptoms (to be clear, I can't say whether he really has the diagnosis). It's straight-up immaturity, and frankly, there are some red flags for emotional abuse that you're describing.

  39. My soon to be ex wife has severe ADHD so badly that she does not drive. I felt contempt for her as well for all the things you mentioned. She didn't drive, she didn't clean, she didn't cook, etc. She would project and accuse me of being all the things that she was. On top of that she is an alcoholic and pathological liar. She took it one step further and almost completely destroyed my life after accusing me of assaulting her in front of my daughter. I was arrested and didn't see my 2 year-old daughter, who I have a very strong bond with, for a month. Fast forward to 3-months later after supervised visitations and thousands of dollars in legal fees, we are co-parenting and she acts as if she did nothing wrong. The few times I brought it up she completely avoids the topic. Not sure if it was ADHD or some other personality disorder but my opinion of people with ADHD has definitely been affected, like I have PTSD from being in that relationship(I left out a lot of harrowing events that took place during our relationship). Still terrified of and don't trust her at all. And, yes, she was medicated. The Adderall made her worse.

  40. Two great books, I hope these help you guys…ADHD 2.0 & ADHD and the effects on marriage. I hope both of you read them because they helped me and my husband so much.

  41. That's not ADHD, that's using ADHD as an excuse to be an asshole. I have ADHD and look after 3 kids under 5, dogs and a home. Sure, I spend a fair amount of time staring at a washing machine trying to remember why the hell I'm in the laundry room and occasionally put my purse in the fridge but everyone is fed, clean and given appropriate attention and activities.

  42. ADHD spouse here That guy, the OP's husband, he seems just like me in the beginning It turned out I had untreated ADHD, and I really just couldn't wake in the night, no matter what happened (unless I had an alarm clock right at my ear, and THAT was not a 100% guarantee, too). A bit less than a month ago I finally got diagnosed and got some meds, and the first thing I learned was a) I can hear our baby during the night, and he does wake up sometimes, and b) I can at least do to-do lists, at the very least in the form of a bullet journal (of which I learned again after I started my meds). Still, it's really hard to do a surprise romantic night for my wife, and she's getting really pissed when I don't apologize for yet another screw-up I managed to deliver after safely navigating through a weekend. The apologizing part should, in her opinion, include some souvenirs, or maybe a romantic dinner at home And I keep telling myself "sure, I can handle it all right, now problem", and then there's another screw-up, and she's pissed, and I still don't do anything except go buy a rose (she loves those, I finally learned that at least).

  43. I wholeheartedly appreciate your comment and telling me your thoughts. You helped me a lot in understanding a lot more about ADHD. May I ask you how old you are? I was researching and read that ADHD is progressive. My husband is almost 40 and he's gone so many years without medication.

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